When does Mommy and Daddy stop being a family?

Hey ya'll.  Things aren't too good here at our house.  Ben works SO much...which sucks to complain about 'cause well...he's working.  We've been down the lost a job, can't find work, cashed out retirement, still can't find work, lost home and car, moved in with inlaws...so...I shudder to think about complaining.

But, the past few months...our luck has ran out in the easy breezy.  I've always been of mind that life's a circle and will always establish a balance and questioned what I'd be willing to give up to have this or not have that.  Apparently, when you only see your partner for 3 hours a day and you share with the kids...weeeell....  You're not exactly building a relationship...you're working on it...but you're falling behind. 

Ben and I are going to start couple's counseling.  We use to every 1-2 years take a marriage class to 'keep the garden weeded' but we haven't done that in oh....4-5 years.  We've been married for 13 now.  Ugh...unlucky 13.  In the past few months we've had multiple illness, basement flooded, insurance did NOT cover it as sump pumps fall under something different and we only had coverage ON the actual sump pump not on the damage that could happen which since we've a high deductible was just hilarious for them to even mention covering a new pump and said company then dropped us despite 1 claim (when Hurrican Ivan moved inland and knocked out power and damaged everything).  I've lost a bunch of the kids' baby stuff (drawings, their scrapbooks, pictures) as it was in the flooded basement floor since I'm sorting/thinning out to move to Yellow Springs.  I've fell behind in what I wanted to be ready for the school year and I'm struggling to not stab my husband repeatedly in the feet.

Why the feet?  'Cause I have never seen a person take so long to get out of the bed.  Question:  Is a person out of bed if they're still sitting or lying on/in the bed?  Does not the very definition of 'out of bed' mean the person should be in no way touching/on the bed?  At this point I'd settle for lying on the floor and snoring as fulfillment of  "out of the bed"!!!  I'd welcome comments to school me if I'm wrong on this.  So, not only does he need more sleep...which I don't fault him for although it does aggravate me 'cause well...I want to holler 'JUST SUCK IT UP AND DEAL!!!'  And, yeah...that's just not something you say if you want to create a healthy positive marriage where you talk rather than yell and scream (which is what has been more the trend but minus the suck it comment. :) ).  I go to bed around 3:00-3:30am...he's in bed 3:30-4:00am.  Few times he's been up later to watch tv.  Oh...you don't sleep later 'cause you chose to watch some tv...but that's another story.

I'm up between 7-8am depending on when the kids wake up.  He's up 11am...out of the room around noon.  Argh, I see I'm turning this into a pitty and angry spew and I don't want to do that.  I wanted to point out some of what I've discovered these past few days.

The past few days everything has come to a head.  Divorce was mentioned...by both of us.  And it scared me.  We're both so angry and no one's put any effort on our relationship or our selves.  It's been all about the kids. 

Granted we don't have a support system here.  My mom died when I was 12 weeks along with Tyler and my father well...he has his new family and new grandkids.  So we don't see or talk with him.  He also thinks what Tyler needs is a hamburger with cheese, a good beating or what he calls a whippin, and to be put in public school.  He in no way believes he has SPD...he didn't believe he had a corn allergy until at 2/3 years old they gave him a candy and he went and pull the brand new carpet up off the tack strips.  He believed then and stopped accusing me of Munchausen.  Ben's parents...well...I'm the red headed hussy who stole her son, she took my babes without carseats to pick up my niece's cheerleading pictures 'cause she couldn't wait till the next day.  She had the kids' cause we were at the hospital when I was 7months with Sunshine.  She hadn't moved all day and my midwife was unable to find a heartbeat on the doppler.  Thank God, when we got in there and they did the ultrasound she was fine.  MIL didn't even ask if the baby was ok!! but did take the time to call me a bitch.  That was when I crawled into her van to beat the crap out of her.  Ben bruised my arm pulling me out but oh...I would have hurt her...and enjoyed it too.  (Viscious much...oh yeah I'm aggressive when it comes to my kids or someone I feel responsible for or attached to in some way.)  And, my FIL threatened to spank Sunshine!!!  She's wasn't even 2 and he wanted to spank her.  And, this after he spanked Tyler when he was about 4 and Ben almost hit his dad over it.  (Sometimes I wish I hadn't got in the middle of it.  Especially with the whole hindsite thing.)  She had nightmares screaming out "No Papal".  And our friends...they don't live close at all.  This area is not supportive at all so we're moving...still trying to move to Yellow Springs at least.

But, dealing with moving, selling the house, buying a new house, Tyler's therapy (which I do), all 3 of their homeschooling, cooking, errands, housekeeping, I stopped working on my degree, he's still in school full time, and working 12hours everyday, and I haven't been alone since Tyler was born beyond the shower which unless Sunshine was distracted meant I'm sharing it.  And the few 'dates' we've been on have been dinner and a movie.
It's not good.  It's not good for any of us. And, for a date...go somewhere that discourages talking?!  Shesh!  How ignorant can we be?  So...we're going to go some place where we can talk WITH someone because we've ignored little issues...the problem...I have to leave my kids with a woman that'll take off with them for some pictures, whose husband 'threatens' to spank a toddler, and has hated me since the day she met me.

So...I place before you all some advice and a warning.  Kids first isn't always best.  Balance is the key.  Find time for yourselves and your relationship or trade it for anger and perhaps a divorce.  Are we going to work on things?  Oh yes.  We still love each other but right now we're livid with each other.  He feels he's giving too much and well...I can't see where he's given beyond financially.  So we're getting a mediator and we'll work through it.  In the meantime...I'm not blogging much (as you can tell).  I'm doing what I need for the kids and our family and myself.

I'm going to meet two new friends here in a few weeks in Lexington for the whole weekend.  I can't wait to see Leann and Karen!  And, the goodies I've got for you two!  Time for myself!  So excited!  With the holiday this weekend Ben will have Sunday and Monday off.  We're doing a LOT of talking and really trying to remember that we believe in Nonviolent Communication and that we love each other under the anger.  We're also going to start taking the NVC training together since I have the program.  I think it'll be good for us, our family and our marriage.

So...if you say prayers, meditate or can send some positive, healing and most importantly peaceful energy I would appreciate it.  But, I'm taking a break as we've hit bottom and we can either climb out of this negative hole or make it deeper.  And, if one of you wanna babysit...just holler! :) 

Honey