Working to keep Mommy and Daddy a family.

Boy are there changes going on here....
1.  We're going to couples' counselling.  Our first visit will be the 13th.  We're taking the kids to Ben's parents....(please! pray they keep the kids safe and home.)
2.  We're leaving little heart shaped post it notes every morning with something new that we love, appreciate, or enjoy about the other one.
3.  We're really going out of the way to be positive and give the other one the benefit of the doubt.
4.  We're creating lists of our goals, our needs/wants, when/what order the house will be done, who will take on what job, a time line, when/what is due, where we are in our savings goal and where we are in our purchasing materials goal and basically totally meeting my OCD need of full disclosure.
5.  We're...well, I am.... keeping in mind I am obsessive, it's getting worse as I get older (Ben says so and I'm going to have to take his word for it. ;) ), and as the child of a father who was obsessive (apparently if you can hear something as you're running the sweeper it's not clean yet.  dude...carpets are just filthy on their own...go wood.  I'd stand there going back and forth over a 3 foot section for 3-4 minutes at a time and then he'd go over it.) I know how annoying we OCD's can be and I'm trying to remember and keep the kids and Ben in mind.

We've also been looking into a more whole foods life.  Oh my but you'll never believe what we did today....what we ate today.  I have to leave it there 'cause I'm still shocked and amazed.  But, if this works...we're hoping it'll help with our weight issues (I'm 220lbs.  Yes.  I've shared my REAL weight with the world) , fix my PCOS (no more Metformin), give the kids more of a "normal" life, and make food fun again.
 
I've also given the kids more jobs.  And, we're paying them.  Rhea's earned 45.00.  Tyler's earned 3.00.  I can see which of my children are motivated financially and I was SO suprised. 

We're creating a room in the basement that is for learning.  It's taking up half of the basement and is just lovely and large.  We've also decided to add Tyler's room to the basement.  We're taking the laundry room which is probably a 1/4 of the basement and holds the fuel tank, the furnace, water heater and we're adding the pantry to it.  We're also adding Ben's Papal's old big desk to use as a folding table AND a craft/sewing area so I'm not taking over the dining room table for anything now.  We're looking into buying another sewing machine since my tension just won't work for some reason.  I'm not buying any more craft projects (even clearanced) and had stopped that for probably a year until all my UFO's or never even started projects are done or given away.

Ben will follow my organizing ways since he doesn't care as long as it's clean and I am not staying in the same room while he cleans as it drives me up a wall 'cause there is no way another person can see in your head.  Plus, as long as the job is done who cares how it gets done?  Well...an OCD'er does so...I'm leaving the room.  And, guess what?!  The basement is getting done!  I will do all the final organizing but he's tossed out anything damaged from the flood and stuff that I have forgotten about and have talked about not needing but struggle to get rid of.  (We think I'm having some hoarding issues here with the kids stuff/activities/schooling.)  I can toss/throw/burn/chuck my things, Ben's things, toys but if it's arty/crafty/school....wow...it's SOOO hard.  Ben doesn't have these issues with those things and so... he is in charge of these things.  Suprisingly...this is all working and I feel better about it all.  But, in the end...I get to organize what's left and that's all I need.

I've been looking inward and I realize I've set this situation up.  I set the first domino with my need to do it all.  By excluding Ben with my...'Never mind, I'll do it' from the start of our marriage to recently when I asked for his help and he asked me ..'What do you want me to do?'....It's honestly no wonder he asked me because I've fully controlled the situation in our cleaning...and then I get frustrated because he doesn't 'know' what to do.  That's like smacking Pavlov's dog for slobbering at the sound of the bell.  THAT's what you've trained the poor guy to do! 

So!  I've been trying to grow up, see what I have done to cause the situation and I'm also looking more into my needs and what I need to be a healthy person.  Also...I've actually been taking some extra time and conditioning my hair in the shower.  And, guess what?  Do you know that conditioner turns frizz into nice curls?  I just may take my friz fro and turn it into something nice.  It's still in a pony tail or clip...don't get crazy now :) but I look a little more put together, it's not all fruffy with makeup or hair drying/straightening and yet...I feel nicer.

So, we see the therapist (who was so nice to work us in for a morning appointment) Tuesday, Wednesday I can take the driving portion of my expired drivers' licence and the kids and I will celebrate (hopefully) my passing with a trip to the Auboretium or the zoo on "Field Trip Friday"

So!  A friend told me that we had an earthquake.  Garbage and crap was spilled out all over the place and it's going to be some time and effort to clean up but it will be cleaned up as long as we do the work.  Sandra, you were so right.  Things are already getting better and we haven't even gotten to the professional help!  I also appreciate all the private messages and comments.  They've been so helpful and supportive.  It was really kinda funny 'cause every time I'd start to lose it...support popped up in the email.  It was really neat because we just got our new phones in so now...it's connected to email and it'll trill whenever something comes in.  It'd trill and voila!  Knowledge that we're not the only ones dealing with this.

I recommend looking into Nonviolent Communication.  It's great for your kids, dealing with MIL's  ;) , husbands...even yourself.  It helps with the negitive talk that goes on inside your head, helps you recognize your needs, the needs of others, how to actually stop judging 'cause I've discovered I do that, and how to keep yourself from becoming enmeshed into things.  I'm learning and I think we're doing much better with only a wee bit of work. 

Oh crap who the hell am I kidding?  It's been hard work.  We've gone to bed mentally and emotionally sore but feeling good for all we've gotten done.  But it's not easy and I'm sure that this therapist is going to point out even more trash we're either ignoring or too blind thttp://www.cnvc.org/o see.  Here's hoping and praying!

For more Nonviolent Communication information check out ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

http://www.cnvc.org/

http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/freeresources/resources.htm  (sign up for the weekly newsletter which sends you tips that go in order each week.  They also have a teacher version and it helps with homeschooling.  I've been signed up for them a couple of months ago and they are really great...so sign up.)

I hope if you're having issues these links help.  I hope you look inside yourself and see what you're doing to cause the situation and/or how you can help change the situation to something positive and moving in the direction you want to be moving in.

Honey