What do you do when you believe the worst? Find your silver lining!

My great grandmother died of cancer in her late 50's early 60's.  My mamal died at 50 also of cancer.  My mom died at 40 of...yep...cancer.  And guess what bomb they dropped on me a few weeks back?... Yep...we think you have cancer.  Now granted this isn't a definite you've cancer but...I heard...you have cancer....and just erased we THINK.  So, I go for tests.  They've found a mass in/on/beside my uterus.  And I've just freaked out. 

I have been a vegetarian since high school, a vegan (no meat, dairy, eggs, fish, chicken, cheese) for 9 years now so over half my life has been free of all those things that can lead to cancer.  We eat nearly all organic (nearly because I do love Taco Bell...Mexican food is good even when it's bad...), I use only natural cleaners; vinegar, castille soap, essential oils, baking soda, water, & lots of elbow grease.  I use deodorant (no anti persperants)that is free of aluminium, parabens, & a few other ickies.  I mean seriously, I know I'm fat but I can still play soccer (ever seen a big girl check some man...halarious...they seem so suprised!)  I can still run the bases & hit the ball....so I'm 'healthy fat' ..that's right I'm taking fat back & not the cool phat...I mean lard butt fat.

I kept it together in the doctors office & made my way to the other side of the building for blood letting (seriously, do cancer cells hide?  Do they need that much blood?  I didn't know if I was woozy from the news or losing 5 pints.) and was all normal acting.  But, I got to the van called my husband at work & just bawled.  I picked him up from work, cried more, picked up the kids, told my MIL the news.  She proceeds to tell me not, "I'm sorry...it'll be ok...we're here for you...chin up!...find the silver lining..." NOTHING!  She says.."I knew it.  Being vegan/vegetarian doesn't do anything.  You've wasted your life by eating healthy.  You've got cancer..."  Ok...bad word coming up.  Hello insensitive Bitch.  I know she hates me but seriously!  People express more sympathy to cockroaches!  (She has issues I know & I am the red headed hussy who stole her son...yep...verbatum...oh and she's always hated me.  Also verbatum.)

So...MIL has proven my theory that she's eagerly awaiting my death to try to pull my husband & children into her clutches.  (One day when Tyler was an infant she informed me she could breastfeed him not if I'd like but 'Hand that rocks the cradle'-ish...  And, I'm a supporter of nursing a friends child if needed so that's not where the OMG! factor is..but she's trying to take your spot as wife & mother...how Oedipus Rex she is) 

So I'm now scheduled to see my OB about the mass but the good thing is that worst case scenario I'll need a hysterectomy.  Sad because I want more children...but dude...that's like 5lbs to lose without skipping desert...and no more condoms.  But scary too...cause I'm terrified.  So...as a person who firmly believes in finding your gift in every situation...I think I've found my gift....

No more MIL.

No... :)  But, I realized I really have no regrets.  I am really happy & everytime I've 'wasted time' it's been playing with the kids or reading trashy romance or just holding them, the kids not the books, while they slept.  Doing something I enjoy.  Do you know that wet dog smell that little boys have when they've been playing outside?  Tyler still has that.  I wonder how old he'll be when he loses that & just goes to man funk.  Or the endless headaches where Rhea did my hair & left me bald headed...or the scratched cornea when she did my makeup.  And Sunshine still wants to be snuggled & she'll whisper 'i wuv eewh honeee.'  And the boys & Katie, I lost my brother & my father, but they're safe & taken care of.  Or that I proposed to Ben & got pregnant that night.  Or that he has shown me more love during 12 years than most families show each other in a generation.

So what's my silver lining?  I've a mass that may lead to a hysterectomy.  If you're going to get cancer isn't that an awesome way to get it?  While that means no more babies...I'll still be HERE for my babies.  And that also means saving money (latex free condoms are expensive!) and sex like it's the '60's.  And no more MIL (I think that may actually be my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!) ;) ...Then if I have to do chemo we could move to California & I could enjoy some herb that'll keep me 'healthy fat!'

Oh and we didn't get the house...can you believe it?  It was a bad few days there...but, as Sunshine says after being upset...'I better now...I better now'

Honey who will still be here for her babies for years to come